We all have a “gatekeeper muscle” that helps us decide what to say, and when, and how.  When a stimulus comes into our brain, it sits at an intersection, staffed by the gatekeeper. In one direction is our default reaction, our judgmental, quick, knee-jerk response. This one lives for the short-term, the “like,” the laugh.

In the other direction is our deliberate, productive response. It’s thoughtful, and it takes into consideration the longer-term ramifications of our words. 

Obviously, things work out better for us when we use that second path. However, the first path, the default reaction, is often the one we take. And of course, the more often you use one path, the easier it is to return there the next time.

The default, reactive path is becoming particularly well-worn with our exchanges on social media. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and the others are making it ever easier for us to override the gatekeeper muscle, throwing in a snarky comment here or an eyeroll emoji there at the expense of genuine response.

With each mean tweet and Facebook flame, the gatekeeper weakens. Our ability to nurture generosity of spirit, assume of good intent, and conduct a nuanced conversation erodes.

Here’s what I ask as I’m about to respond on social media: What are you hoping will happen if you tweet that? How are you going to feel in your body after you post this? Are you going to be content and happy, or is this going to stoke the fire of your irritation/righteous indignation/judgement? Are you helping?

We rely on the gatekeeper muscle to respond thoughtfully and graciously in difficult situations and hard conversations in real life. We need the skill to move away from our default reactions and focus on the long-term.

We all need to develop our gatekeeper muscle. Sometimes the best way to do that is to scroll right on by.

When the goal is to give an engaging and compelling presentation, we are present with the audience. We’re not reciting our material or reading a script. We’re deeply immersed in bringing our content to people who want and need it.

That’s the ideal.

What often happens in reality is that we have so much we want to convey, we really get into the weeds. We think “I have to make sure they know this thing and this other thing!” and cram anther example into our talk, another fact onto our slides.

Here’s what happens. The more data you have on your slides, the more likely you are to fall into the default intention of “to report.” You see all the words there and naturally feel like you need to say them all to your audience.

This default intention changes the way you speak. When you’re reporting, your voice has less color and variety, and you’re not connecting as much with your listeners. You’re trying to remember the next thing you wanted to say.

Instead, think about the deliberate and productive intention “to connect” or “to share.” Limit yourself to one idea per slide. Capture that thought in an image or a few words. Let the slide be the jumping-off point for what you’re saying, not the script.

Here is my #1 tip for your leftovers:

If you want to reheat food from the refrigerator, do it on the stove or in the oven. Seriously.

Yes, you’re going to get a pot or pan dirty, but it’s So. Much. Better than the microwave. 

The microwave tricks you into thinking it’s easier. Think about it. How many times have you put chili in a bowl in the microwave, set it for :45, then made four trips back to stir it and add time because it’s not hot yet? By the third time the bowl is blazing and you have to get oven mitts to pick it up but the chili is still lukewarm, so you put it on for like 2 more minutes, and then you’re finally done and now it’s nuclear-level hot. And you still can’t eat.

The stove works. 

Do the thing that works.

I’ve been finding new ways to be grateful this year. With all that is swirling around us, I’m happy to have a day to say thank you, for the big things and the smaller ones.

I am so thankful for:

My health and that of my family and other loved ones

The Ignite CSP team, especially Vivian, Neela, and Lisa, who have contributed enormous time and talent to keep us moving forward this year

The resilience of my business, pivoting to virtual and finding new opportunities in that space

My cozy home

A wonderful oasis of normalcy this summer when my parents, my sister’s family, and our family took our annual beach trip

The new opportunities I’ve had to grow as an individual and as a coach, especially as a result of the Black Lives Matter protests this year

A new workout routine—after years at my gym (which I miss and mourn), my husband and I have started working out together every morning

More time with my kids! Most teenagers are flying the coop around these ages. I get a little more time to relish firsthand the fascinating people they’re growing into.

Our pandemic puppy, Rhodie, and the BFF relationship she has with our other sweet dog, Ollie

Weekly Zoom calls with my husband’s family

My social-distance book club! New friends from all over who love to read. 

New routines: coffee in bed each morning and lighting a candle to begin the day

Time and energy to make progress on some big new projects (stay tuned!)

I would love to hear what you’re grateful for, especially today.

Happy Thanksgiving, those of you in the United States, and those in other countries, happy Thursday!

Corporate jargon and lingo is easy to make fun of. It’s simultaneously meaningless and a potent signifier of being in the know.

My pet peeve is “reaching out.” You know, “I’ll reach out to him about the investor meeting.” “She reached out to me after the presentation.” Where did this come from? What happened to “I called, I emailed, I’ll get in touch, I’ll talk to…”? I suspect I’m alone in my get-off-my-lawn feeling about “reach out,” but there it is!

Anyway. (Deep breath.) This article about corporate jargon is interesting specifically because it calls out the reason that jargon exists. It creates in-groups and out-groups, most often in lower- and mid-level employees. The on-trend phrase or term lets everyone know who’s in the know.

In the theatre world we also have specific language, but it doesn’t trend or change. As I have moved into working in global corporations, it takes a glossary to keep up with the changing linguistic trends!

I’d love to hear about your experience with this. Do you hear specific language trends in your work? Are there phrases you love to use, or ones you love to hate?

Very often, we are not great at saying what we want or need. Instead, we talk around it, sugarcoating and hiding what we’re after.

Example: I was talking with my husband the other day about my work week. I had three workshops to lead virtually, from my home office. I knew it would be easier to concentrate if our two delightful dogs were not running around the backyard, barking at the neighbors.

What I could have said: I need the dogs to be quiet during my workshops. Can we take them to daycare, or can you be with them?

What I actually said: I have a lot going on this week. I wonder what we can do about the dogs?

Without getting into all the possible reasons why I wasn’t direct about what I needed, let’s look at the result. My husband was perplexed. There are only a few options (them going to daycare, or him hanging out with them). So why was I bringing this up as if there were a big conversation to be had?

His response was to make some suggestions, none of which were what I wanted. So now I was in the position of having to state that I didn’t want to do any of those things, which revealed that I’d had an ideal solution all along. Which annoyed my husband.

Now he said: All you had to say was, hey, I can’t deal with the dogs or be distracted by them while I’m leading these workshops, can you manage them?

Clear. Concise. Not confusing.

When you need to ask someone for something, know first what you’re actually asking. 

Warning: word nerdery ahead.

“Poignant” is a word I love. It comes from the Latin pungere, to pierce or sting. When we describe something as poignant, we mean that it has a piercing or moving sadness. There is almost a physical pain to the emotional impact. For example, “The melody was a poignant reminder of times past.”

We don’t have another word in English that does quite the same thing. Poignant is unique, and uniquely helpful to convey a certain feeling.

In the past few years I’ve been hearing people use the word “poignant” to mean something like “incisive” or “to the point.” Example: “Her argument was poignant,” or “That was quite a poignant discussion.” Merriam-Webster cites this as a secondary definition: “being to the point, apt.”

Many words and phrases morph and change over time, picking up different connotations like velcro picking up lint. As you can see from the Merriam-Webster definition, it’s acceptable to use poignant to mean “apt” or “pointed.” But to me, that simply muddies the water. What do you really mean, then, when you say that the moment was poignant? Do you mean it was achingly sad or that it was to the point?

So here’s my plea. What if we agree to use “apt,” “incisive,” or “to the point” when that’s what we mean, and let poignant wait in its velvet box for the moments when we really need it, when no other word will do.

What are words and phrases you love? What is your “poignant”?

In the theatre, there is at least one convention that is used no matter where you are. 

At half-hour, fifteen minutes, and five minutes before the actors need to be ready to go onstage, the stage manager (the person in charge of making sure everything happens on time, among other jobs) notifies them of this by saying, for example, “Fifteen minutes to places.” 

In response, anyone in earshot says, “Thank you,” or “thank you, fifteen.” This call and response lets the stage manager know that their message was received, and the actors in that dressing room or green room have echoed back their understanding of how long they have until they need to be ready. 

From my earliest memories of being in plays until today, every theatre I have ever been in has used these calls. On Broadway, the stage manager broadcasts them over a sound system so that everyone can hear backstage. The essential routine of half-hour, fifteen, five, and “places” calls and the answering “thank you” is a comforting cadence.

The calls are so integral to the routine of a performance that after theatres closed this spring, people missed the ritual. One stage manager recorded herself giving the calls backstage at Hasdestown to give theatre artists a lift. You can see her in action right here.

What are the rituals of your work? What are the systems and structures that are so embedded in your work life that you may not think about them, but you would miss them if they were gone? How do these rituals serve you?

In a workshop I led this week, the conversation turned to the challenge of hybrid interactions, when you have some people in person and some virtual, or some on-camera and others audio only.

It’s worth repeating that we understand each other best in person. Communication is easiest and most efficient when the people talking are in the same physical place.

Once we start moving to virtual communication, complexity mounts. And when different people are using different modes in the same conversation, the chance that miscommunication will happen is extremely high.

Let’s imagine a meeting that’s being held via Zoom or WebEx. The team that regularly meets at this time is used to meeting with cameras on, so that’s what they do. The boss’s boss, who is dropping in, does not turn his camera on. He kicks off the meeting by asking for an update on an important project.

The team leader can see her colleagues, but she can’t see her boss. As the team diligently updates the boss, she is preoccupied by the fact that she doesn’t know whether he wants to speak. At one point, he comes off mute and she pauses, thinking he’ll respond, only to hear the sound of his keyboard clacking away. Her team members hear it too, and one person rolls her eyes.

 
Now the leader remembers that, even though the boss’s camera is off, he can still see them, and she’s worried that he caught the eye roll. She quickly asks her boss if he’d like to chime in. After a moment, he asks a question that makes it clear that he wasn’t listening to the update.

If you’re a member of this team, you may be thinking at this point that the boss’s boss isn’t really that invested in how this project is going, and you probably don’t feel supported. The hybrid model of this meeting bears a lot of the blame for this. If everyone were on camera, or everyone was on the phone, there would be a common understanding and protocol for who speaks, how they identify themselves, and how turn-taking works. Everyone in the meeting would be on the same footing. Multitasking would be limited since more people could feel invested.

Our brains work best when they can concentrate on one thing at a time. Hybrid meetings give us more variables to consider, and this makes it tough to communicate clearly. The subconscious monitoring of the room we would be doing easily if we were in person is now a dashboard of lights, sounds, and signals we must make decisions about in real time. It’s no wonder that we’re tired after a day of meetings!

So what can you do? First, of course, do what you can to get everyone interacting in the same way. If you can’t do that, take a few moments to state how you’ll run the meeting, taking everyone’s preferences into account. For example, you could ask that people who aren’t turning their cameras on use the “raise hand” emoji to indicate that they’d like to speak, or to put their thoughts in the chat.

Establishing the structure of your interaction up front will allow you to focus on how you communicate and connect, and leave less to chance. 

People have lots of opinions about change, particularly as it pertains to their own lives. Some people love it! It’s a chance to shake things up and do things differently. For others, change can feel like a scary loss of control.

A friend I met in coaching school, Peggie Koenig, has a new endeavor that’s all about change. Her podcast, “So You Want to Move to the Country and Raise Goats,” or (“Get Your Goat”!) focuses on, as the website says, “insightful people who have interesting change stories.”

Peggie and her co-host, Catherine Gryba, are consultants and experts on change, so I was thrilled and honored when they asked if I’d be a guest on the podcast, to share some of my story. I am generally someone who enjoys and is energized by change, but the story that is the centerpiece of this interview was a little different.
You can listen to the podcast here,   https://www.getyourgoat.ca/podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Learn more about Peggie and Catherine here:
https://www.getyourgoat.ca/