The thoughtful and wise Sheila Masterson invited me to be a guest on her podcast, Living Tarot. I was thrilled to participate, especially since this gave me a chance to talk about the intuitive underpinnings of coaching, directing, and even business.
At the end, Sheila shares her tarot reading with me!
“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”–R. Buckminster Fuller
R. Buckminster Fuller was a thinker, architect, designer, and futurist, among other occupations. The above quote seems particularly resonant for this moment in time, when our existing reality is so fraught with injustice and dysfunction.
How can we render the existing status quo obsolete? What are the new models we can create? I don’t know the exact steps, but I know that that kind of change requires imagination and bravery. A willingness to try and fail, to experiment, and to have people think you’re crazy.
But the potential to make change, to create systems that work more effectively for more people…isn’t that worth it?
What’s true for you isn’t necessarily true for everyone.
I see this frequently when people try to encourage others to speak in public. “What is there to be afraid of? You are going to be fine! What’s the worst that can happen?”
There are a whole bunch of assumptions at work here. The encourager assumes the nervous person feels the way they would feel in the same circumstances, and that a little pep talk will get them over the hump.
But the person who is nervous to speak in public is not like the willing speaker. And to suggest they should feel fine, that there’s something amiss if they’re not jumping at the chance to give a speech, makes them feel worse. It adds self-doubt and shame to the existing nervousness.
If you’re the encourager in this scenario, what can you do differently? First, listen. If they are telling you they’re nervous, believe them and don’t brush it off.
Second, acknowledge the nervousness. One of the best ways to start to move away from anxiety is to look it right it the face, and name it.
Third, suggest a few tactics to help them to manage the nerves and show up strong. The video on breathing (below) is a great place to start.
Mostly, though, remind yourself that other people are different from you (we all need this reminder sometimes!), and lean into the conversation with empathy and curiosity.
What does it take to connect with others? And especially, how can we take the first steps to communicate with people we don’t see eye to eye with?
Ignite CSP coach Neela Munoz spotted this great video with some insight into those very topics. (It’s just over three minutes—well worth your time!)
Recently, for the millionth time, I realized that what I say is only meaningful if the person I’m talking to hears me.
I don’t mean vocal volume, necessarily, though that’s a component of being heard. More, I mean that when we speak in ways that mute us to our listeners, we may as well not be speaking at all.
Emotion colors our words. When the emotion and the content are at odds, the content is what suffers. Instead of hearing what we say, the listener reacts to the emotion they perceive.
If I speak angrily to my son about cleaning up his room, he responds to the anger, not to the request. If I respond defensively to a client’s question, they will hear my fear and forcefulness, not the content of my answer.
The answer is not to disengage from our emotions. Instead, we can identify what feeling or need is driving what we’re about to say, and ask, “Will they hear my words, or just my feeling? What can I do to help them hear me?”
After being recommended Priya Parker’s “The Art of Gathering” all year, I finally read it in the waning hours of 2020. It is remarkable!
Parker’s expertise is in something that may seem like it should be intuitive—people gathering together. But her insight is transformative, and it centers around the idea that we should always gather for a purpose.
In our current meeting culture, the “purpose” of a gathering is likely to be “we have a standing staff meeting at 8 on Tuesdays.” Parker argues that in order for a gathering to be successful and meaningful, it needs more meaning than that.
As many of our gatherings continue to happen virtually, we have an opportunity to reimagine them, to infuse them with purpose and intention. And I’ll go further, to say that our virtual gatherings suffer from a profound lack of environment. As I’ve been saying for months, we have to figure out how to recreate the container a physical space naturally gives us. Thus, intention and purpose are even more crucial.
If you’re a person in charge of hosting virtual gatherings of any size, I urge you to read her book. The payoff in engagement and time well-spent is so worth it.
https://www.priyaparker.com/thebook
Also! It’s not too late to decide you want to be a better public speaker before the end of the first quarter! Join the Public Speaking Catalyst–enrollment closes today!
What does it mean when we categorize some skills as “soft”?
The phrase “soft skills” implies something we can do without. When push comes to shove, we can overlook a lack of one of these “extras” because this person’s CV tells us they can “get the job done.”
But communication isn’t extra.
Communication is everything.
Let’s say you hire the person with the great CV, and it turns out that they are a bad, or even a mediocre, communicator. What’s that going to mean?
They will miss opportunities to connect with valuable stakeholders. They may fray relationships. They will send unclear messages to others. They will make assumptions that lead to lost time and money.
The job they are supposed to be so good at getting done will be stymied at every turn because they send cryptic emails, or don’t mention something they need, or are uncomfortable delegating, or don’t know how to encourage participation in a meeting. You may discover they can’t go on client calls because they’re gruff, or too talkative, can’t read the room, or are bad at presentations.
Communication is the way we get everything done. It’s crucial to our success. And it’s a learnable skill.
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This is the last week to enroll in the Public Speaking Catalyst! Have a team member or colleague who’s ready to take the next step? Or maybe you’d like to join us yourself? Sign up today!
The Public Speaking Catalyst launches this month!
The problem with New Year’s resolutions, as we all know, is that most of us run out of steam before we get them done. Gym memberships increase 42% in the first two months of the year, yet somehow we’re not in much better shape when March rolls around.
But you can check “Improve public speaking skills” off your To Do list for 2021 before we even get to the end of February.
The Public Speaking Catalyst gives you structure, assignments, and a coach who will guide you through the five weeks of the Catalyst with individualized feedback and support. All you have to do is sign up and show up, and your coach will partner with you to get you over the finish line.
Enrollment in the Public Speaking Catalyst closes January 8. Join us now!
It’s January 1, 2021.
I’m at the beach, and though it’s an overcast, chilly day, I took a walk by the ocean. As I started on the walk, I wanted to think about a word for the year, a guiding mantra I can use to make decisions.
I let my mind wander as I walked. I wished a happy new year to a man near the water, and I noticed a couple of cute dogs. I observed how much I was enjoying the walk, all by myself on the first morning of the year.
When I turned to make my way back, I was suddenly walking into the wind. I hadn’t even noticed the wind when it was at my back, but now it made every step harder. I wasn’t cooing over cute dogs, and I certainly wasn’t thinking about how enjoyable the walk was.
Instead, I noticed my legs working to get through the sand, to make progress against the wind. And because everything is a metaphor for everything else, I started thinking about all the times when a project is just like this. The first part is great! So easy! I’m killing it!
Then an obstacle, a wrinkle, a set-back, and suddenly I’m noticing the soft sand and the wind in my face. It’s harder. There’s way more work than I thought.
This is the moment of decision, the time to dig in, to appreciate that I had the wind at my back before, and now to commit. And just like that, I had the word for the year.
Commitment. Commitment to doing fewer things, better. Commitment to staying the course. Commitment to my values and priorities.
All right, 2021. Let’s do this.
Committing to becoming a great public speaker? This is the last week to enroll in the Public Speaking Catalyst!
All the Ignite CSP coaches found a corner of their home, and in some cases, a buddy, to wish you a happy new year.
Let’s go, 2021!!