Ignite CSP

Doing the opposite

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What is your default mode?

 

Are you the listener or the speaker?
A loner or a group project cheerleader?
The leader or the follower?
Do you like to weigh all the options several times before you decide, or go with your gut?
Do you express your feelings or hold them to yourself?
Are you the person who likes to be in charge of all the decisions, or the person who would rather hold back and observe?

 

These are all valid, important ways of being.

 

It’s good to know what behavior you default to. When we know “oh, typically I would speak up at this point in a meeting,” or “I’m noticing I could say something but I’m not,” it gives us a window into what could be different. We can create an experiment—what happens if I’m quiet when I would usually speak? What happens when I step forward to lead, or when I volunteer, or when I hold back?

 

If you decide to run this kind of experiment, notice how you feel when you’re behaving in the way that is outside your norm. Are you jittery? Anxious? Do you feel stifled? Do you feel vulnerable?  What evidence can you collect and learn from?

Meeting amnesia

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Oh, meeting amnesia.

 

This isn’t the kind of amnesia that makes you forget to go to a meeting—

 

No, this is what happens the second the meeting is over, and everyone scurries back to their real work. They forget, instantly, about what happened in the meeting and what follow-up actions they are supposed to take. This all exits the brain completely, only to be remembered about ten minutes before (or five minutes into) the next meeting.

 

What can we do to combat meeting amnesia?
Create meetings with purpose: what are we to make happen? Be explicit about this.

 

Align the external parts of the meeting to support this purpose. Choose the who, when, where, and especially how of the meeting carefully.

 

I know so-and-so is usually invited to meetings like this one, but does he actually need to be here?

 

I know 4pm is the most convenient time, but that’s right when most people are experiencing the lowest productivity and creativity in their day.

 

It would be efficient to do it via WebX or conference call, but this topic is so important that I want to be able to be in the same room and read everyone’s signals, to make sure not to miss anything.

 

And finally, if you want action to result from the meeting, don’t wait until the meeting has already run late to quickly discuss action items. Build in the next steps as you go, set up check-ins and follow-ups, and help the people in the meeting orient themselves towards those actions.

“70% helpful, 30% being a jerk.”

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A friend turned to me recently after a conversation with someone else had ended awkwardly.  She said, “I know that didn’t land well. I was 70% trying to be helpful, and 30% being a jerk.”

 

That 30% is pretty powerful, and my guess is that it’s going to override the 70%.

The Property Brothers

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Have you ever watched one of those shows on HGTV, one where the team of experts comes in to remake and remodel some regular person’s home? There are a million of these, but the one I saw most recently was an episode of “Property Brothers.”

 

Jonathan and Drew, the aforementioned brothers, were helping a family who wanted to sell their suburban house and move into the city. In order to sell the house, the brothers said they needed to update it first because the colors, style, and furniture were dated and unappealing. When the brothers were done, the family’s house did look different than it had—now it looked like every other house that has ever been on one of these shows, sleek, with throw pillows.

 

This gets to the heart of something I grapple with in our coaching work. We help people to develop their authentic voice and style. These TV shows make it seem like there are two options—the tacky bad old way and the shiny new good way. Where is the option that allows the family to live in a house that reflects their own style and taste?

 

Similarly, our coaching clients often receive feedback that says, in essence, “Your way won’t do. Do it like this.” “This” usually means, “in a way that is familiar and comfortable to me.” It’s the speaking-style equivalent to new light fixtures and carefully arranged throw pillows.

 

What I’m interested in is what’s real. We coach our clients to communicate in a way that shows them at their best, that resonates with who they are, and that reaches their audience. To do this without resorting to tips and tricks that only give the impression of realness.

 

Don’t settle for throw pillows.

“It was uncomfortable, so I stopped.”

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“It was uncomfortable, so I stopped.”

There are situations in which this is absolutely the right decision. On a date with someone who’s creeping you out? Listen to that discomfort and get out of there. Realize you’ve started a fight with your partner right when other people are coming into the room with you? Put on the brakes and save the situation.

 

But there are other times when “discomfort” is the perfect signal that we are making progress, that something is difficult and unfamiliar because it’s new. Discomfort rears its head when I’m practicing a new presentation or speech; I’d rather be doing something familiar and easy. Discomfort shows up in a tough work-out, when maybe I’d like to just quit and not feel out of breath and muscle pain. Discomfort is resistance–it keeps us from getting better, from trying harder, from standing out.

 

What happens if you stay with the discomfort longer? What happens if you ask, “Why does engaging with this new thing lead me to want to abandon it?”

 

What can we learn from the sensation of being uncomfortable?

“I’m doing this for…”

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The big game is on the line, and it’s come down to two free throws. The basketball player bounces the ball, looks up at the basket. What is going through her head?

Is it “I have to make these two shots for my parents who sacrificed everything for me to be able to play this sport” ??

Or is it nothing but “Bounce, look, set my feet, shoot” ?

We don’t know, of course. But for her to be successful, I think the answer has to be the second one.

It can seem like a good idea to remind yourself (or your team) of what is at stake, of how hard you worked to get here, what was spent or sacrificed, to psych yourself up to perform. But then that’s what you’re thinking about—not about what you have to do.

You get in your own head, and it’s way harder to focus on the mechanics of the task.

The long lead-in

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The Ignite CSP team has been on the hunt for some specific software recently, and that led us to a recorded webinar that promised to fill us in on the benefits of one potential solution.

The format of the webinar was the host interviewing the person whose product it was. We tuned in, hoping this interview would give us exactly the answers we are looking for.

Instead, the host wasted time setting up the conversation, talking about how long he and the other guy had known each other and where they met, and providing the credentials of the guest–for nearly nine minutes.  This is a prime example of forgetting what something is for—the only reason to create this webinar is to passively and proactively answer the questions of buyers.

Do buyers care how long you’ve known each other?
Do buyers need to know where you met?
Do buyers want a nine minute wind-up to the (one hour) pitch?

No, no, and no.

If I met you in person and were chatting, I’d love to know how you met your old buddy. But in the middle of my workday, when moments are precious, you are forgetting the number one rule: how can I serve my audience?

That lioness is super anxious.

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It’s natural to be nervous in a high-stakes situation. Our adrenaline goes nuts, the butterflies start flapping, and the next thing you know we’ve got full-on flop sweat (or maybe that’s just me.)

Ignite CSP senior coach Vivian Smith talks you through creating relaxed readiness–acknowledging your nerves but staying available to the situation you’re in.

 

The two jobs of a conversation

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Many conversations have two jobs—

 

1.) to accomplish a task, and
2.) to take care of the relationship between the speakers.

 

We tend to focus, almost exclusively, on one or the other.

 

If you are talking to someone in order to get your problem solved, you’re focusing on a task. The intention to get my problem solved will dictate the words you use, your tone of voice, how you sit and stand, how you move in the room, when and how often you speak.

 

On the other hand, if you come into the room wanting to let your colleague know that you’re on her side, that intention will generate pretty different vocal tones, placement in the room, cadence of speech, and movement of your body.

 

This shows up most starkly when we focus on the task at the expense of the relationship. For example, if we need to get through the agenda (task), what might that look like? What behaviors show up?

 

What might we miss or compromise in our laser-focused pursuit of getting the task done?

“All I’ve got to do is…”

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This is one of my favorite misleading phrases. It’s rarely followed by a description of something truly simple and uncomplicated, like “pick the socks up off the floor.” No, typically “All I’ve got to do” is the precursor to a general summary of an activity the speaker sees as easy, but that contains multiple stages and steps, lots of which are hard to know about until you’re in it.

I’ll give you an example. I was talking with a friend recently who’s going to start a series of live webinars. She’s excited about her idea, which is to interview various guests around a single topic. So far so good. “All I’ve gotta do is line up the first few guests, and we’ll just talk.”

Hmmmm. Yes and no. Here are some questions I’d like her to think about before she presses “record”—

  • Who are you making this series for?
  • What do you hope they will walk away feeling, thinking, or doing differently?
  • When you think about the steps involved in launching the webinars, which of those are familiar to you? Which will be new?
  • You are the leader and guide for your audience during this experience. What do you need to do to prepare?
  • How do you want to show up for your audience? What elements of who you are will serve them best?
  • How do you want to show up for your guests? What experience are you hoping to create for them?

It’s easy to start something. We all have the technology. What’s harder is to choose the standard you’d like to set; to be explicit about how you will serve your audience.