Ignite CSP

Surprise!

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I prefer not to think before speaking; I like surprises.

 

I saw this on a T-shirt a woman was wearing at the mall, and of course I had to grab my phone and jot it down before I forgot.

 

It made me laugh—I imagined her talking, then her eyes widening as she heard what was coming out of her mouth.

 

Most of us have had that experience, right? The words we’re saying weren’t what we planned, or maybe we had just thought, “I’m not going to weigh in on this,” and then we find ourselves speaking in the next moment.

 

I prefer not to think before speaking; I like surprises.

 

That’s a choice! The question becomes this: what kinds of surprises do you like? Which ones would you actually rather avoid?

What are my hands doing? Have they ever done this before?

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We’ve all had that feeling.

 

I don’t know what to do with my hands.

 

We use our hands naturally, effortlessly, day in and day out, but certain situations make us suddenly acutely aware of them. What are they doing out there, flopping around? What have I ever done with them in the past that seems comfortable?

 

DO: Find a resting spot for your hands that is about three inches away from your torso, roughly in front of your belt line. I like to loosely clasp my hands there, ready to gesture or use a clicker.  If you’re seated, have your hands in front of you on the table, again available for your use.

 

DO: Use your hands to emphasize your points, if you typically gesture when you speak. It’s natural and will make you feel more relaxed and natural.

 

DO: Get some video of yourself presenting so you can see what you’re doing with your hands, and evaluate in a calm moment.

 

DON’T: Trap your hands, either behind your back or by your sides. It’s okay to let them off the leash!

 

DON’T: Overthink your hands—they’ll know what to do if you concentrate on connecting with your audience.

 

Good luck! And remember, we’ve all been there.

Say your name say your name

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One of the most common things we do when meeting new people is say our own name. “Hi, nice to meet you! I’m Angie Flynn-McIver.”  Happens all the time.

 

Maybe because our names are so familiar to us, we’re not always great at remembering that the person we’re talking to has never heard it before. Often, the name is a rushed-through series of syllables that’s difficult to understand.

 

My name is a tricky one. We’ve got the hyphen, which adds an element of complication, and then the “i” in McIver is pronounced with a long “e” sound. I’m not alone—easily half of the people I meet have names that require a little effort, on the part pf the speaker and the listener.

 

I want to offer the example of my friend and colleague, Neela Muñoz. Neela describes the act of saying your name as being like giving a gift to the other person—the gift is that they understand you the first time! You say your name slowly and clearly, with a pause between the first and last name. If you have a name that’s particularly long or unusual, own it! Don’t shorten it, or throw it away.

 

Tell us who you are—every glorious syllable.

GOAL!

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First, let me say that I don’t know much about soccer. I enjoy watching it every four years, but to say that I’m a casual fan is an overstatement.

 

But I was watching the US women’s team in the final against the Netherlands, and the role of the goalkeeper struck me. Not the pressure, or the long periods when she has to be alert but mostly inactive. What I noticed was what happens when a member of the opposing team squares up for a penalty kick.

 

The goalkeeper has to decide, in a split second, what the kicker is going to do. She has to commit to blocking that shot in one direction or another, with no more information than the way that the kicker is running up to the ball. She has to make the decision and go with it.

 

In this game, the phenomenal Netherlands goalkeeper, Sari van Veenendaal, was facing off against Megan Rapinoe for what could be the first point of the game (at the 61 minute mark.) Rapinoe jogged towards the ball, then, seemingly as relaxed as she would be in her own backyard, kicked it right past van Veenendaal, who barely moved.

 

Now, I have absolutely no idea what was going through van Veenendaal’s mind as Rapinoe’s foot made contact with the ball. But what I thought of was the price of indecision. When there are more choices than we can explore, sometimes we are paralyzed; we can’t move forward for fear that the choice we make will be the wrong one. What seems clear, though, is that the longer we take to decide, the fewer options we have, until the ball goes right by us into the net.

 

Commit. Even if that decision isn’t the very best one, it puts you in motion.

I’m getting emotional

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Sometimes a conversation or even a presentation can make us emotional—that code word for teary or choked up. It can happen for a lot of reasons; sometimes we know it’s coming and sometimes it blindsides us.

 
What can you do? Your emotions help us understand who you are. Knowing what moves you so deeply that you get tearful is beautiful information to be able to share.

 
But.

 
Sometimes we don’t want to do that. That choice can make us feel vulnerable in a situation when we don’t want to feel vulnerable, and it can make the audience worry about us. What can you do?

 
Practical tactics include sipping some water, taking two deep breaths, and locating yourself clearly in the here and now. “I am sitting in the conference room between Malik and Siobhan. I’m on the 14th floor.”

 
Even more powerful is to remember why you’re there. What is your message in service of? When I gave a toast at my sister’s rehearsal dinner, I was worried that I would get so choked up that I wouldn’t be able to speak. So I thought about her, and the experience I wanted her to have. I created the intention to make her feel cherished, and that allowed all of my emotions to work in service of that goal, instead of being about me and how I felt.

 
Intention turns your focus outward, toward the audience you are speaking to. It helps you to remember that the experience that is for them.

What is your goal in service of?

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I love to read. My family will tell you that I’ve always got at least two books going, and I keep a running list of what I’ve read.

I met a woman yesterday who set herself a goal last August to read 100 books in a year, and she is up to 95 now. I asked her what it was like, imagining long afternoons sitting blissfully with a stack of novels. She responded that she wouldn’t do it again. “I feel like the goal to get through the books got in the way of what I really love, which is reading.”

Such a great insight. Now she knows she can do it, which is cool. But she also has a clearer sense of what’s important to her—the reading, not the number of books she consumes.

The unfriendliest face in the room

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What do you do when you’re giving a talk or a presentation, and your eyes fall on someone whose expression seems to say, “This is just the worst. Why am I here?”

This has happened to me a few times, most recently two weeks ago. The effect was exacerbated by the fact that the group was small, and the woman with the “prove to me this isn’t a waste of time” face was in the front row, about eight feet from me.

Fortunately, one of my earliest jobs was taking tours of Shakespeare plays to middle and high schools in New York City. I was the director, so I would sit in the audience to watch the performances. The faces on these kids as our productions of Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, and Macbeth started were some of the most forbidding I’ve ever seen. Talk about expressions that say “I know this is going to be stupid!”

But in every case, the kids’ faces belied the experience they were having. They understood and enjoyed the plays, and they had great questions for the actors afterwards. That experience taught me that what you see on an audience member’s face is, nearly always, not about you.

When you happen across one of those expressions, compartmentalize it. Remind yourself that anything could be going on with that person—maybe they have a terrible upset stomach, or they got an email that’s bothering them, or maybe their face just looks like that!

At any rate, it’s not about you, and even if it were, don’t change what you’re doing. Keep going, and find a friendlier face to look at.

Just say “okay,” and do it.

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Confession time:

Last week I was at the gym, in the middle of a long, fatiguing workout. Our coach told me to change something I was doing so I could improve my performance.

I said “Okay.”

In that split second after I said it, I realized that I almost never do that—just say okay and go do it. My default behavior is to make a joke, ask a question, resist, if only for a moment. But maybe because I was tired and frustrated, and because I trust my coach—I just said “okay,” and turned to do what he said.

Why does this matter? What difference does it make if I joke around, and shouldn’t I ask questions?

It matters because it’s a behavior that shows I’m resistant to embracing the feedback. I’m not taking in the coaching and working on integrating it; I’m playing around. Anything I say other than “okay” is just me making excuses.

It was a real epiphany, and I’ve started to notice other places in my life when I will be better served to simply listen, take it in, and say “okay.” Don’t get quippy, don’t make a joke at my own expense, don’t talk. Just do the work.

When in doubt…

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When in doubt, remember:

 
It’s not about you.

 
That presentation, that difficult conversation, that speech—it’s not about you. Even when the topic is you, it’s not about you.

 
It’s about the person or people you’re talking to. That’s what they’re thinking about, so that’s what you should be thinking about.

The freedom of July 4

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Today’s the day folks in the U.S. celebrate our freedom from the tyranny of English rule. July 4, the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

I think a lot of us are uneasy with freedoms; we like to be told what to do, how and when to do it. We want to fit in, so having the freedom to decide on our own is unsettling. There are no lines to color inside.

Because we aren’t sure how to navigate our own freedoms, we’re sometimes super uneasy when we look at how other people navigate theirs. “She shouldn’t wear that.”
“Why do they have that in their shopping cart?”
“He shouldn’t let his kid act that way.”

It’s as though witnessing their freedom to do something (wear that, eat this, spend money on the other) calls into question how we are using our own freedom.

Justin works at my local dry cleaner. He has a full beard, is about 5’10”, and wears long yellow fingernails and sometimes a floral skirt. I’ll admit I was taken aback the first time I came in and saw him in a sparkly necklace and a blouse. Justin is using his freedom to wear what he wants in a way that is uncommon in U.S. culture—he has blown the lines of the coloring book right off the page.

Instead of feeling threatened by how he uses his freedom, I can look at it as an invitation to rethink what freedom is in these United States.