Ignite CSP

What Do You Say About the Elephant in the Room?

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What do you do when there’s an elephant in the room? 

The project went badly. The leadership made a mistake. There’s a lawsuit the company is going to have to deal with. 

Do you address it yourself, or wait until a questioner brings up the lurking pachyderm?

My advice, in most cases, is to go ahead and address it yourself. That way, you get to set the terms of the discussion. Think through exactly how you want to talk about whatever your elephant is: how can you frame this topic to lead to a productive outcome? What can you share that supports your version of the story?

If you wait until someone else brings it up, you’re ceding control of the narrative to them. The way they talk about it, the questions they ask, will influence how the discussion unfolds. 

Better to shine the spotlight on your elephant yourself.

Can you tell I’m excited that my book,Before You Say Anything: How to Have Better Conversations, Love Public Speaking, and Finally Know What to Do with Your Hands, is out in the world? As a reader of this blog, you already know some of what you’ll see in the book. Is there someone you know who would appreciate it and benefit? Send them to this link! They can order the ebook or print version, and the audiobook will be available next month!

The Problem with Peanut Butter

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Peanut butter is a delicious and filling snack.

Peanut butter is sticky.

Peanut butter eaten ten minutes before you’re recording an interview is…not a great idea. Maybe have some apple slices instead.

(My son Cameron read this blog post and said, “I don’t get it. Is there a metaphor here?” Nope. No metaphor. Straight talk about not eating peanut butter before you need to use your voice. Is this advice based on an experience I had last week? Perhaps.)

If you know someone who would enjoy what I share, please forward this email or send them right here to the blog to sign up!

How Can I Handle Competing Intentions?

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I got to spend some time last week with a wonderful team of people doing incredibly cool work. We were talking about my favorite topic: intentional communication!

This team has chosen to really engage with the idea of intention, and to work it into their culture. In fact, they begin meetings by asking what intentions people have.

A great question arose in our conversation: “What do I do if I’ve prepared a deliberate intention, and someone else has an intention that is opposed to it?”

I have never heard this question before. One aspect of the question that I love is that it brings to light a dynamic that is, of course, going on All. The. Time. Usually, though, these intentions are running underneath the conversation, unacknowledged.

I come with the intention to get you excited about my project so you’ll join the team; you come with the intention to say no.  

If I keep trying to sell you on how cool my project is, and you keep telling me how busy you are, we’re both getting more entrenched in our own position. 

The push and pull of these dynamics can leave each person feeling unheard or misunderstood. If I think my project is the greatest thing ever, and all I hear is you saying you can’t take on anything else, that might damage our relationship. Seen from the other perspective, if you can’t get me to listen to the fact that you’re already swamped, and though my project sounds cool, you just don’t have the bandwidth right now, you may feel dismissed.

The point of deliberate intention isn’t to bully the other person into coming around, but to provide a foundation for our own approach to the discussion, and to make sure we’re taking care of the relationships involved. 

If we’re working in a culture that allows us to state the underlying intention, we can get right to the point. 

“I’m really excited about this project, and I’m hoping to get you on board.”
“I love the idea, and right now I can’t contribute meaningfully.”

Now there’s an open space where each person feels heard. Maybe there’s a compromise. Maybe there’s a way you can take part in a later phase. Maybe you want to be our biggest cheerleader from afar. Maybe I can delay the project until you can take part. Maybe we simply part friends and colleagues, with you protecting your time and me not getting your participation.

All of these outcomes are productive, since we’ve protected the working relationship.

(Stay tuned for another post on this juicy topic: how to handle competing intentions with someone external to your team!)

When to Pick Up the Phone

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When your conversation spreads across more than one medium (from email, to text, to Messenger)

When you find yourself asking, “What am I supposed to say to that?”

When you wonder, “Wait, what happened here?”

When you feel your blood pressure rising

When you’re sure the other person is thinking annoyed thoughts about you

When each additional text simply adds to the confusion

Stop texting. Stop emailing. Pick up the phone. 

Choose real-time communication, the kind where we can connect to each other, ask questions, and explain ourselves. The kind where we can remember that the person on the other side of the screen is a person, not an obstacle. Talking to each other, rather than texting or emailing, solves myriad problems.

When we’re speaking, we have an opportunity to add tone and inflection to our message. The person we’re talking to has a chance to hear our goodwill, our effort, our problem.

When the medium you’re using has stopped being efficient and helpful, it’s time to stop using it.

When You’re Speaking, Start with Silence

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When you’re delivering a speech or presentation, what should you do first?

Here’s my suggestion, and it may seem counterintuitive. Don’t start talking. 

Stay quiet. Take your place at the front of the room. Look around. Smile. Wait. Let everyone settle. See them looking back at you. Remember your intention: what are you here to do?

Now breathe.

When you exhale that breath, it’s time to start to speak.