“When” can be as important as “what”

During the months of COVID, I have sometimes noticed a particular dynamic when I talk to my husband, Charlie. 


Here’s what happens: We’ve each been working alone in our offices for hours. We happen to cross paths in the kitchen, refilling coffee mugs or making lunch. I’m excited to see him, and I start talking about an idea I’ve had or something that happened on a call.


A few sentences in, I look at Charlie. He is looking back at me, but I can tell what I’m saying isn’t getting through. He has an expression I describe as “head full of bees”—he’s acting like he’s listening, but he is deeply preoccupied by something else, probably whatever he was working on before he ventured out into the kitchen.


This isn’t a good time to try to connect with him. He’s going to do his best to listen, but he can’t really hear me over the bees. 


I need to choose my time better. The when is as important as the what.


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