I had a great conversation recently with someone who is doing some communication skills coaching, and is interested in doing more. This was a get-to-know-you chat on both sides, with the unspoken understanding that I may be able to hire her at some point in the future.
I asked her to tell me a bit about how she got into this work, and what she likes about it. I realized later that this question had the effect of making her feel like she was in the spotlight–or maybe the hot seat. She didn’t really seem nervous, but her vocal habits shifted. She began using more filler words, vocal smack ( the clicking sound many of us make with our mouths in lieu of a pause or a transitional phrase), and her speed increased.
Let me be very clear here that I don’t hold any of this against her. On the contrary, there is no such thing as being “finished” with improving our communication skills, as I have written here before. But in this situation, when she was explaining to me why she was doing this work, she wasn’t demonstrating the control of her own instrument that I suspect she may wish she had.
I think this shift happened when the dynamic in our talk changed from two people chatting and finding common ground to an area where she felt like she needed to “sell herself.” I see this happen a lot when we work with clients who are practicing how to express their value, how to explain what they do, or explicitly making a case for a job, promotion, or raise. It can be extremely uncomfortable to feel like the person listening to you is assessing or even judging you, so it makes sense that our instinct is to hide, to obscure ourselves a bit. What makes a little less sense is that one of the ways we do this is by changing the way we speak.
My theory is that the changes I witnessed in this conversation came from her instinct to speak more quickly. The filler words and vocal smack were additional symptoms—when you don’t want to pause (because that feels like it will make all of this take longer), you use an “um” or a click to keep things moving. Ultimately, you want to get to the end faster.
But of course, when we rush, not only are we not showing up the way we want to, we’re also not connecting as fully as we could. Instead, when we feel that “in the hot seat” feeling, we need to take a second to get oriented. Breathe, connect, find our deliberate intention. To share? To engage? To intrigue?
When we remember that the point of speaking is to make sure what we’re saying lands cleanly and clearly with the other person, we can’t help but to slow down.
