Have you ever looked out at the audience while you were speaking and seen someone whose expression looks like they’re thinking, “Why did I ever come here, and why is this person talking”?

I have. I can be at the top of my game, getting nods, smiles, and laughs from the rest of the audience, and this person’s face will snag my attention like a thorn.

What do I do next? How do I keep going and not be distracted by the thought that I have ruined this person’s day?
I’ll tell you. It’s very simple. I think to myself, “Oh my gosh, that poor person. They are clearly having a major gastrointestinal issue!,” and I keep going. 

There is no advantage to getting distracted by the mean face. Chances are very good that the face has nothing to do with you and what you’re saying, and even if it does, you shouldn’t change what you’re doing to accommodate that one expression. 

Stay the course. Focus your energy on the people who are following you, smiling, and engaged. 

It can be hard to say, “No, I’d rather not.” Or “Thank you for telling me about your offer, but I’m hiring someone else.” Or “You know, this is probably great for someone, but it’s not a fit for me.” 

Since it feels bad, we often simply avoid the unpleasant task of telling someone “no thanks” by simply…never responding. Delete the follow-up email, let the call go to voicemail…just ghost and hope they get the hint.

But I want to suggest that it is kind to actively say no. It is generous to let someone know, nicely,  that you won’t be hiring them, proceeding with their project, or promoting them to the position they want.  From a logistical standpoint, you are doing them a favor by letting them know that they don’t need to follow up with you anymore. You’re freeing up their time and energy to pursue the next possibility. In addition, your feedback is a valuable resource for them. Is there something you can share that will help them in their next endeavor?

Finally, even though it can feel awkward, it’s good practice. Steering right into the discomfort of “No, we won’t be using you” shows you know that you can do it. You can give unwelcome news, disappoint people, and have hard conversations. Practice generously in these situations when you could duck the responsibility. Face it head-on, and let everyone move onto the next thing. 

“I’ll take care of that next time.”

“I’ll work on it next time.”

“I’ll make sure that happens next time.”

When we do something and learn from it, knowing we can improve when we do it again, that’s a great use of “next time.”

But when we already know we could do better and we don’t, putting the improvement off until another day, that’s not such a great use of “next time.” It sounds a little like, “I won’t take care of that now, even though I could.”

How does “next time” show up for you?

When he and I were first dating, my husband Charlie worked at an outdoor sports equipment store in New York. He collected funny stories to tell me, and there were many.

The one that has really taken hold in our family lore involves a man who came in one evening. He asked for Charlie to show him whatever equipment they had that connected one thing to another thing, like in rock climbing. Charlie diligently led him to the wall where they stocked the carabiners, these kind of oval-shaped clips that open and close. 

The man surveyed the choices, then explained to Charlie that, “The BMW has a very large fender,” and that he needed the carabiner to tow his car. “This carabiner is too small. Do you have a larger carabiner?”

The man’s problem was not that the carabiner is too small, but that it wasn’t the right solution to the question: “How do I get my car from Point A to Point B?” Faced with a sports equipment store, he may have come up with a solution that was closer to working than the other options in that store, but it still wasn’t going to get the job done. 

When we narrow our options too much, it can become hard to see that what we’re considering won’t serve the purpose at all. Instead, we try to make it work, losing time, energy, and other resources along the way.

What if, instead of trying to fit a small carabiner on a large fender, we think about a few other ways we might address the challenge?

Clients often tell me the advice other people have given them about presentation skills. It’s almost always something that is prescriptive: either “do this” or “don’t do that.” 

This advice is small, it’s too granular. It addresses a single behavior, and it does it in a vacuum.

Do get rid of your filler words

Do make eye contact 

Don’t gesture too much

Don’t use an upward inflection unless you’re asking a question 

There are times when all of this advice is pertinent. There are also times when I coach clients to do the opposite.
Deciding on a specific rule that governs all circumstances is a shortcut. It eliminates nuance and creates predictability and sameness.

Instead, find a more holistic approach. When you consider your intention–the outcome you hope to generate, the relationship you want to create, or the way you hope to make someone feel—you can assess many behaviors together, in context. And more importantly, they’re more likely to lead to the change you hope to make.

Have you ever sat down to join a video call and not been able to find the relevant link? 

Or pulled up an email to respond to a friend’s invitation only to be flummoxed by the lack of a date or  time (that you could have sworn was there before?)

How about this one: have you ever jumped from email, to texts, to Messenger, to other email, looking for the one place you saw the very important information you need RIGHT NOW?

Sometimes I feel like I live out each of these scenarios almost every day. “Where’s the Zoom link? Where’s the document? When did she say to be there?” I’m not particularly disorganized, but digital material does have a way of falling through the cracks.

Here’s my tip. When you’re the one sending the information, include all of it, every time, in every communication modality. Time, date, day, link, and relevant material. This means the people you’re counting on to show up prepared will have everything they need right at their fingertips.

And that makes your life easier.

Fifteen years ago I met a young actor named Nathan Crocker, who was in the cast of a play I was directing, Shakespeare’s R&J. A few years later, I got to work with Nathan again, when he played Belize in both parts of Angels in America.

Typically when you work on a play, the company forges a rapport. Every now and then, you get to keep that rapport after the show has closed. Nathan and I have stayed in touch over the years, sharing a love of complex plays, Sam Cooke, and the juicy work of communication. When I was ready to expand the Ignite CSP coaching team, Nathan was a natural fit.

Nathan Crocker is a professional actor, teacher, and coach. Nathan brings his expertise in leadership coaching as well as voice and speech to his work as a communication skills coach for Ignite CSP. Nathan’s clients include the American Shakespeare Center’s Shakespeare in Leadership program, where he coached leaders to become comfortable and confident speakers, bringing presence and poise to their presentations and public speaking.

Nathan served as the Assistant Professor of Professional Practice in Voice and Speech for Rutgers University’s Mason Gross School for the Arts BFA Acting Conservatory program, and taught Vocal Production, Speech and/or Accents and Dialects for the NYU/Tisch’s Atlantic Theatre Company, Meisner, and Graduate Acting Studios. 

Among the theatres for which he has coached voice, speech and/or dialect productions are Oregon Shakespeare Festival, Roundabout Theatre Company (NYC), Milwaukee Chamber Theatre, The Old Globe (San Diego), Utah Shakespeare Festival, Chautauqua Theatre Company (NY), NYU/Tisch Graduate Acting Program and Marymount Manhattan College.

Originally from Winston-Salem, NC, Nathan holds an MFA in Acting from the University of California, Irvine, and a BFA in Theatre Performance from UNC-Greensboro. Nathan is a Certified Associate Teacher of Fitzmaurice® Voicework and a certified Knight-Thompson Speechwork Teacher.   

Please join me in welcoming Nathan!

My daughter turns 19 today.

Nora is smart, funny, empathetic, and beautiful. She’s also a planner, a questioner, and the only person in my house who is always on time.

I can see myself in her, and I can see her dad. But mostly I see her remarkable, interesting self, the same person she has always been and the adult she is so quickly becoming.

No big lesson today. Just a moment of marveling. And a most happy birthday to my astonishing Nora.

It’s not too late to register for the June session of the Public Speaking Catalyst! Sign up here: https://www.ignitecsp.com/how-we-do-it/online-coaching/public-speaking-catalyst-sales-page/

It’s been an interesting time to start something new. During the pandemic, many of us have felt pressure to “use the time” to develop a new skill when what we really want to do is is get through the day.

Others of us have discovered a new reservoir of energy and curiosity, and have wanted to dive into new stuff. To state the obvious, both ways of coping with this strange time (and any other time!) are good ones, and I hope that, whatever has felt right and healthy for you in the past fifteen months, you’ve been able to do that.

One new thing we started doing at Ignite CSP is the Public Speaking Catalyst. This is tailored public speaking coaching, led in a small cohort. For years, we have coached people in small groups, believing that each person can learn from watching the others as well as from the coaching that is specifically for them. They support each other, and through the Catalyst process they gain strategies and vocabulary for helping people they lead or mentor to strengthen their presentation skills.

A few quotes from clients who participated in the January Catalyst:

“Who I am is at the heart of my speaking: this program refined access to my voice and my stories with confidence.”

“Neela showed great flexibility in adjusting content to our group needs, including providing prerecording on presenting online so as to maximize our time presenting and feedback for one another.”

“I feel that I have real progress during the course of the five weeks. The course did a nice job of allowing me to put these ideas into practice — both through shooting videos as homework and during real time in class.”

The “Neela” referred to in the quote above is Neela Munoz, an Ignite CSP senior coach. She will be leading the next cohort of the Catalyst as well, which launches on June 14. Here’s Neela to tell you about it herself:

If you’d like to participate in this session of the Catalyst, please register today! We are closing enrollment on June 11. You can learn more and sign up at this link: https://www.ignitecsp.com/how-we-do-it/online-coaching/public-speaking-catalyst-sales-page/

You know that friend who tells it like it is?

Who loves and supports you and also isn’t afriad to say, “This isn’t your strength, move on”?

That friend whose intelligence and warmth and discernment are so remarkable you feel special that they like you?

My good friend Songy Knox is like that. And her book comes out this week, which means that you get a chance to meet her, too.

I have been blown away by Songy’s style, her eye, her candor, and her talent since I met her in 2017. She is a photographer, but so much more than that. She’s a coach and a mentor, and she is sharing her unique approach with the world.

I’m serious; she’s amazing. Check out her book now:

https://www.songyknox.com.au/beseen/#signup